I’ve lost my inspiration.
The city no longer captivates me as a wild eyed child, each corner turned holding a new discovery.
I imagined home sickness slightly less painful, more like a cut you can cover with a band aid, not one you have to attempt to sow back together. I have realized home sickness is much darker… And these emotions are ones I have never toyed with before. I yearn for my mother’s touch, my sister’s awkward yet cute giggle and my father’s jokes. I want to see the snow fresh on the ground, my heart racing as I take the wheel behind my car. I would love to sit in my best friend’s room having the T.V. playing as we talk about life. I wish to hear the Christmas music I grew up with every time I turn on the radio. I want to go back to the known… to the peace of my room where I would stay up until three in the morning reading a book and not care about regretting it the next morning.
Yet going back to the known would be the biggest mistake in my life. There is a side of me that loves not knowing where I am going to wake up tomorrow, if I will have enough money in my pocket, questioning if I can survive a day without craving peanut M&M’s because they remind me of my dad and I singing in the car. This is the biggest adventure I have had so far in my life, and though I am home sick, not a day do I regret it.
Today… Paris inspired me once again, like it did the first time I got off the train and I watched the city roll by as I sat passenger seat in what would become a new phenomena in my life, the taxi (in other words, public transportation).
I walked through Parc Monceau, captivated by its delicate beauty in such a lively city. I was searching for La Petite Fille when I noticed a man sitting on a park bench by himself with his eyes closed, a smile lingering on his face. I stood captivated and La Petite Fille came up behind, trying to scare me.
I wanted to take a picture right there and then. I did not want to do it without his consent because I knew I wanted to write about the experience.
I was so marveled at how he could find such peace in a tumultuous place.
I kept walking, not wanting to disrupt him… but I walked away with somewhat finding my own peace. I have sailed with the pace of this city, letting it take me. I turned and took a quick shot far away. You see him there in between the archway, his head tilted back. If I would have taken it closer, I would have had to ask for his approval but I did not want to disrupt him. Taking it from far away, I looked like a tourist taking a picture of one of the many beautiful structures in Parc Monceau, with him happening to be in the shot… and it is far away that he is somewhat, unrecognizable.
I got to thinking, how many times have I done something that has inspired someone else just from a glance?
Throughout the millions of voices that are yelling in my head, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING, WHAT WILL YOU DO”, there is that one, little voice that stands out above the others.
“You are doing fine… you did not make a mistake. Just wait.”
With that, I have to remind myself to close my eyes and breathe.