Hello my dear friends and followers. As you can tell, I have been away from the office for a while. Let’s just say that the past two weeks (ever since I posted Hard Decisions), my life has seemed to be on a never ending, looped roller-coaster (and I am typically a fan of real roller-coasters).
I officially turned 20 on Wednesday (oh my god, I am so old). I entered a new decade of my life and I must say, I really don’t feel that different. People asked me repeatedly if I felt old, and I jokingly would reply with “I have found a few white hairs from the stress of this whole year”. I do, in fact, feel old. My friends would roll their eyes and laugh it off, reminding me I am honestly quite young. Which is true, I am very young but my “soul” does not feel that way (using the word soul sounds cliche but oh well). Let me explain that the past two weeks I have felt like I have had to grow up and control my emotions professionally, something that has not been easy. When it seemed that I was being lashed out at for a personal decision I had taken without breaking my contract, I needed to control the fear and nervousness in my voice. I needed to not be that “19 year-old foreigner” they had hired but be a “business woman” and think rationally on my feet. Like anything new in life, I stumbled in a few places and regret not having said a few things that I should have. But I survived that storm, and I have learned what I want in a work environment relationship.
Due to this decision, I am now officially apartment searching in Paris. At 20. Who would have thought? I remember looking at apartments back in the states when I turned 18 and so desperately wanting to move out of my parent’s house and have the college experience I felt I had been stolen from. Thankfully though, I decided that the best decision for me was to stay at their house and save up money (for what I thought would be for college but ended up becoming my move to Paris). If I thought apartment searching in the states was hard, in my own language and in a system that I understood completely… then apartment searching in Paris is a whole other world and a maze. I must now take a moment to thank my French girlfriends and the boy, who I know I can turn to with questions and honest thoughts and answers.
I recently wrote an article talking about the loneliness that does occur living in a big city. Some nights when you are not up to going out, or no one can hang out, and you are stuck in your apartment listening to the loud world outside your window, it does get difficult. I still have some lonely moments and this past weekend I became terribly home sick for the states. I wanted to drive down country roads, blast my music, have a bonfire, be with friends and family and just be somewhere where I felt safe and secure. Paris, through its mysteries, madness and magic, is confusing, scary and lonely. Paris is like anywhere else… it still throws life at you, and you still have to learn how to handle it. Maybe I feel so old because I have been away from everything I have known and the people I love, and I have had to handle sticky situations on my own, not knowing where I would end up the next couple of months. I have had to follow my instinct countless times and tell myself that no one who never took a risk succeeded all the way.
Paris, through the merde you threw my way, I still, somehow, love you.
On to the new decade.